How & Why to Practice Metta
Loving-kindness or metta meditation is a specific type of meditation designed to cultivate compassion, both for yourself and others.
The basic practice
In general, loving-kindness meditation is a mindfulness practice, but your mind is focused on the repetition of specific phrases of well-wishing. Typically, these are as follows:
- “May you be happy”
- “May you be healthy”
- “May you be free from suffering”
These well-wishes are generally first applied to the self, followed by loved ones or someone who is an “easy” target of compassion. You add people and expand your circle of compassion, next adding neutral acquaintances, such as the mailman or your barista. Then it includes “difficult” people; perhaps someone you disagree with. Ultimately it expands outward to include compassion for all beings.
Note: the above phrases are purely examples; whenever possible I try to present techniques as close to their “original” form as possible, but you’re totally free to substitute whatever works for you, such as “may I live with ease,” or whatever variation on the themes of happiness, safety/security, health and freedom from struggle/suffering. Only caveat: stick with some form of inviting or wishing the feelings upon yourself or others as opposed to “I am happy/healthy/safe” since, well, that’s not always the case.
Guided practices
One of the easiest ways to practice metta (or any meditation) is to use a guided meditation. Yes, guided meditations still “count.”
These are easily found online for free, such as at YouTube, or via many different meditation apps. My favorites are:
The Reigning Queen of Loving Kindness
If you’re looking for more resources or a deep dive on loving kindness, look no further than Sharon Salzberg.
Sharon, along with others like Joseph Goldstein and Jack Kornfield, was part of a group of Westerners who went to India in the 70’s and largely responsible for bringing Buddhist meditation back to the West,
Sharon in particular was attracted to loving-kindness meditation, and has built her career around the practice, also writing several books on the topic.
Why practice loving-kindness?
In short, it can make you less of a jerk. Even to yourself.
The first person you express kindness to in this meditation is yourself. You must be able to cultivate kindness for yourself before you can spread it to others.
That’s a tall order, because it involves acceptance of ourselves, our whole selves… even the ugly parts we don’t want to look at or acknowledge.
But it’s only by facing the ugliness that we all inherently have, accepting it and forgiving ourselves for it that we can truly cultivate compassion.
Just this first step is critical for spreading loving-kindness or compassion, something the world needs more of right now.
In an interview with Dan Harris on the Ten Percent Happier podcast, the Reverend angel Kyodo Williams talked about the cruelty in the world; “It is so incredibly important that we not bypass the fact that part of the reason that we’re able to see such things out there is because they’re still in here, in us.”
It’s as if a person were a well, and could spread compassion when others take water and drink from the well; but if our own well is poisoned and rotted with cruelty we refuse to face, we risk spreading not compassion but contamination to others. We have to purify our own well before it can be a source of compassion for others.
Even if you only ever practice self-compassion during loving-kindness meditation, you’re not only becoming a nicer person to yourself, but you’re also purifying the source, so that you radiate kindness instead of cruelty.
Not feeling it?
If you struggle to “feel” when doing loving-kindness, don’t worry too much. It’s very common to feel little or no “real” compassion when beginning this practice.
Maybe you’re able to feel compassion easily for loved ones, but you struggle to feel as much, if anything, for strangers or enemies. Or maybe you can “feel” love for others but can’t seem to generate the same feeling for yourself.
These are common, normal responses; after all, the feeling of compassion is what the practice is designed to cultivate, which kind of assumes it wasn’t a very well developed feeling in the first place.
My advice is to keep trying anyway. It may feel like you’re going through the motions, but those motions are really rerouting the neuronal pathways in your brain, training it what to feel. As always with meditation, try to stay open and accepting of the practice. Eventually, it gets easier.
Ugh, Love Schmove!
As an introvert and neurodivergent, I’m not much one for “lovey dovey,” “ooey gooey” love stuff, as Dan Harris would say. I think both of us are the type to prefer high-five’s over hugs. And that’s okay!
The idea of loving-kindness meditation is to connect to a feeling that makes you feel good, feel safe, feel, if not “loved,” then at the least, appreciated and respected. Whatever makes you feel “enough.” For many that’s giving yourself a hug or wishing yourself love, but others can go for a “friendlier” vibe.
There’s lots of ways to imagine what self-compassion should look like. One way is “reparenting” yourself, by treating yourself as your parents treated you, if you grew up with loving parents, or if not, then by treating yourself as you wish you’d been parented. Or instead of parents, you can imagine a friend or coach.
Right now, the person who talks to you inside yourself (i.e., you) isn’t always very nice. The goal of metta meditation is to turn that critical, judgmental voice into one of understanding and encouragement. Who do you want in your corner next time you’re struggling, the critic or the coach?
Don't try to fix it
Remember than in any kind of mindfulness practice, we don’t want to manipulate, change, or fix the situation in anyway… we’re trying to accept the present. That means we’re not trying to heal wounds by metta, at least not directly. We’re only sending well wishes, sending thoughts of care to the person struggling.
Stacey Neglia is a freelance writer for blogs and websites on the topics of mental health, wellness, and more. She has lived experience battling mental health issues and hopes to spread awareness and resources for anyone who wants to feel better. When she’s not writing, she’s probably gaming or adventuring with her two young kids.
Looking for mental health content? Learn more at staceyneglia.com!